... a Thankful recap

I have loved reading my friends (/your) Facebook posts, as they have been posting what they are thankful for this month.  For some reason, I didn't really join in.  Ok, there were several reasons.  Among them: I stalk other people on Facebook.  I don't like being stalked as much.  It is entertaining to know superficial details about people and hard for me to be real.  And sometimes my grump-a-licious self doesn't want to be thankful.  I would rather complain. Thank-you-very-much.  Humph.  Since that isn't really a justifiable reason to withhold thankfulness, I'm trying to catch up some here:

I am thankful that Waco does not look like I expected when Daniel signed the contract with Baylor.  I had only been through west Texas a couple of times and figured the whole state was one giant tumbleweed that smelled like an oil refinery.  I love our little wooded corner of Waco with its big trees and hills!

I am thankful that I get to have a puppy.  Daisy brings so many funny moments to my day (like this morning when she realized that she could see me through the office windows and couldn't figure out how to get up there to me).  She also gives me a taste of what having kids will be like.  For example, I am not really grossed out by fishing slobbery bits of destroyed toy out of her mouth any more. (I have had lots of practice at that one).  Right now a slobbery squeaky ball is being rolled up and down my leg as an open invitation to play fetch.

I am thankful that I get days of sunshine in November living here.  Sorry Seattle, but I don't miss 45 and raining every single day for 3 months straight.

I am thankful for Acts Christian Fellowship.  I know God has big stuff in store for us at this church and people have been over the top welcoming to us there.

I am thankful for how much better I feel being gluten-free and how many products are now available.

I am thankful for orange-glazed sweet potatoes.  Seriously, these are among the most amazing food items of all time.  Some (i.e. Daniel) might say that I hid them and single-handedly finished off the leftovers. :) http://allrecipes.com/recipe/orange-sweet-potatoes-2/detail.aspx

I am thankful for true, deep, caring friendships.  They make life livable and are precious beyond words.

I am thankful for my family and their visit last week.  I know that not everyone gets to have family that laughs at inside jokes and enjoys being together.  I don't even want to imagine the heartbreak that that must be.  My family is such a blessing.  They are such a kind, helpful, and loving bunch! :)  They even put up with my less than hospitable animals who picked the week to get sick/generally make messes.  A certain amount of affection for the furry ones might have been lost, but my family was still gracious.

I am thankful I get to be married to Daniel.  I couldn't possibly have found a more patient, kind, hard-working guy.  It is uncanny how well he understands me and is able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.  He never gives up on me and gives the best hugs.

I am thankful that God is good and never lies.  My feelings might lie and Satan certainly lies, but my God does NOT.  I love this quote: "By demonic concoction, many of us have come be believe that our behavior and thought life reveals more about who and what we are than what the Bible says about who and what we are." - Ralph Harris, God's Astounding Opinion of You.

My God has called me righteous in Christ, so I don't need to earn/prove anything.  My God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power, and love, and self-control (2 Tim 1:7).  My God calls me loved, forgiven, and free.  He did not come to condemn me (or let me wallow in self-condemnation) but  to set me free (John 3:17).  I am so used to mentally adding asterisks to these promises... surely He doesn't mean me, right here, right now.  But God does not lie when He says this about me, nor does He lie when He says it about you.  And for that I am extremely thankful.

... break dancing 4th graders and waiting

The Bible says that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18) but I have found that it isn't necessarily good for a (this) girl to be alone in a house with a puppy and cat quite as much as I have been.  I did hear that I passed both the chemistry instructor exam and the interview, so it looks like I will be starting teaching for the Princeton Review in late January.  Until then, I needed to find something that gets me out of my house!  Daisy and I pass an elementary school on our daily w-a-l-k and I decided to stop by to see if they could come up with any ideas of how to fill some of my time.  The receptionist practically busted out the red crayons to draw a carpet to the principle's office to get me a volunteer application.  So, 3 days a week I spend 40 minutes each with two students.  My first is a 4th grade boy with a bit more energy and self-confidence than meshes easily with classroom discipline.  (aka at least half of the days I have met with him, I find him in detention).  We usually just work on whatever school work he decided he was "too cool" to do earlier in the day.  If I had to guess, I would be 99.99% sure this kid has ADHD.  He literally break dances (and he is good at it) while reading his assignments.  But as long as he is reading, I'm calling it a win.  And I don't always win.  After I drop him off, I get to go work with a precious 3rd grade girl who loves big big hair bows and can't figure out how to multiply.  The poor dear, she does well with some problems but every once in a while (on the same problem type she successfully completed 10 times in a row), she gives me the deer in headlights look and multiplication has become impossible again. :(  But she is just so cute, even when she is helplessly stuck.  After one day of decidedly not winning with my 4th grader, the secretary commented that my two are like sour patch candy: you have to make it through the sourness to get to the sweetness. :)  And even though he is a bit more sour, there is something charming about the 4th grader.  

Also, because I don't want to be home alone, I have decided to import some people to hang out with me next week... either that or Thanksgiving is really coming up soon.  (eek!)  I'm super excited to have my whole family here for nearly a week, starting this Saturday!  We are going to live large in Waco for 6 days... by which I mean that we will go to the Dr. Pepper museum, the zoo, and the bear habitat on Baylor's campus.  It will also be my first time hosting Thanksgiving, so that will be an adventure!  I'm looking forward to trying a tasty sweet potato recipe I found (orange glazed sweet potatoes - yum!)

The final update from me is that the Dr. said everything checked out and suggest trying clomid.  Unfortunately, one of the main side effects is some pretty crazy mood swings and I don't really want to make those sorts of holiday memories.  So, we are putting this off for now and will re-evaluate in January.

... I passed!

Just a brief update: I "passed" the HSG with flying colors.  I do enjoy passing tests. :)  Everything looked normal and it wasn't even all that painful.  I get to call the Dr. tomorrow to discuss the next steps.

... Thy will be done

My God, My Father while I stray
Far from my home in life’s rough way,
Oh! teach me from my heart to say,
“Thy will be done!”

Though dark my path, and sad my lot,
Let me “be still,” and murmur not,
Or breathe the prayer divinely taught,
“Thy will be done!”

If Thou shouldst call me to resign
What most I prize, it ne’er was mine;
I only yield Thee what was Thine;
“Thy will be done!”

If but my fainting heart be blest
With Thy sweet Spirit for its guest,
My God! to Thee I leave the rest--
“Thy will be done!”

Renew my will from day to day,
Blend it with Thine, and take away
All now that makes it hard to say,
“Thy will be done!”

Then when on earth I breathe no more
The prayer oft mixed with tears before,
I’ll sing upon a happier shore,
“Thy will be done!”

~Charlotte Elliott

I liked this hymn when King's Kaleidoscope began playing it last year at Mar's Hill U-District, but as each month passed and we were still not pregnant, I kept loving it more.  The vast, vast majority of the time, I sing it wishing that I really felt what I was saying.  I long for it to be true... but God is gracious and I had a moment this past Sunday that I could actually pray this prayer.  Pastor Booker at Acts Church was talking about giving our hopes and dreams over to Jesus rather than trying to stuff Jesus into our dreams.  He also emphasized that when we are where God wants us to be and surrender our dreams, Jesus will open up new dreams for us.  Although it is true for all pregnancies, I have become increasingly aware that our pregnancy will only come through Jesus' hand.  So, until He wills otherwise, I will be in a season of infertility.  I might be here reluctantly, but I am where God wants me and on Sunday I got a glimpse of a dream He has for me in this place.  There is an online community of women going through this too: women who desperately need hope and love from Jesus. I joined the group mainly to get answers about various tests I would be going through (i.e. They are going to do WHAT?? and How much will that hurt??) but God has given me a heart for them.  And so, with only minor revolts from my heart, I am able to say: "Thy will be done!"  There are a group of women going through deep pain who need someone who shares their pain to speak into their lives.  Please, join me in praying for those who have had to walk this road and don't (yet) have any hope in a good God.  

The update on me: I have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test tomorrow morning, getting to the hospital at 7:30 AM.  The test is basically an X-ray to see if there is any blockage in my tubes/uterus that has stopped us from getting pregnant.  I feel pretty confident this one should come back normal (and thankfully, according to the discussion boards, it shouldn't actually hurt as much as I envisioned).  Later in the month, we will do more blood work to see if I'm producing enough of the right hormones at the right times (the most likely culprit).  But I will know more once tomorrow is done and I get a chance to check in with my Dr.

... puppy training and ups and downs

So, a lot has been going on in the past month. Some of it has been really great, fun things and some of it has been stuff that I would honestly rather play Minesweeper than think about. By the way, I think the lack of Minesweeper is one of the greatest weaknesses of Macs.

To begin with the good:

We finally got a puppy! I have always been a dog person (sorry Hobbes) and so having my very own slobber factory is bliss. We got my Daisy-girl from the humane society because her smile is just impossible to resist. She is a three month-old yellow lab/weimeroner mix. She is super smart but did just enter the “terrible twos” of puppyhood... she thinks it is pretty fun to be told NO! for digging up my 5 lone green blades of grass in the back yard. But despite the fights over which of us really is the boss of this joint, nothing can beat a snugly puppy. She also makes me laugh a lot. In the past week, I’m pretty sure she tried to offer her squeaky ball in exchange for a skillet of sausage I had just browned. :)

One of the things that I didn’t expect in getting a dog is that I would have to examine the way that I see myself. Suddenly I had a being in my house who was actively rebelling against me (Hobbes generally looks with distain upon all that I do, but I’ve gotten used to that). I needed some advice and Daniel graciously brought home the Baylor Library collection of dog training manuals (all two of them). And so it began. Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) emphasizes that you must give off “calm, assertive” (I’m the top dog here) type vibes to keep the dog in check. The crazy thing is: it worked. When I was walking Daisy and obsessing about things that were going wrong or out of my control, Daisy would be pulling but if I took a deep breath and stood up a little taller, the pulling when down dramatically. A month into having her, I have found that it isn’t a perfect solution but it makes a big difference.

So, now I have 30-45 minutes each day where I am supposed to be thinking thoughts that instill/encourage confidence and I don’t really want to go down the rather lame “I have confidence in confidence” route (no offense Maria, but I was hoping for something more substantial). Although imperfectly, I have been trying to focus on the promises that God has spoken about me. One that has been especially meaningful is: "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7. I might hide it, but I am an extremely fearful person. So often I see myself as a victim, powerless and unable to shape the circumstances around me. I feel helpless even when faced with my own emotions and depression. But somehow, on those walks that I am most focused, I find that I can shift my mindset and emotional state. I was shocked. You might not be but it was a big deal for me. I work really hard to control circumstances because I don’t think I can control my emotions. Strangely enough, it turns out that God didn’t lie... maybe I can have a spirit of love and self-control rather than continual fears.

But, my fearful little self is rather scared of the responsibilities of self-control and minesweeper sounds like a really good alternative.

In other news, the one-year mark has come and gone and we are still not pregnant. I had never imagined that this would be the path God asked me to walk.  I thought I had already done the hard part.  I sacrificed the dream of getting my biochemistry doctorate as He changed my heart and made me want to become a mom. I took the fact that the desire came from his hand as a promise that fulfillment was just around the corner. Instead, this year has been a struggle with many half hopes and disappointments. In the process, I have become extremely grateful for amazing women who have walked this road before me. I long to have their faith and contentment but bitterness is so much easier for me. In my saner moments, I remember God’s grace in making this harder than I expected. For instance, according to my master plan from a year ago, I would be having our baby in the next month, but I hadn’t really understood what the first year as a lecturer would be like for Daniel and I don’t think I would have made it through the move here severely pregnant. So, God is good even in disappointments. But I am best when I can rationalize it. The months when it seems to make sense to me and yet God just asks me to trust His “no”, those are hard. I wish my heart would fully embrace what my mind begrudgingly acknowledges is probably true: that God is after my heart and His denials of my desires are the swiftest and best way to bring Him glory. Oh God! Please teach my heart to long for You because that is not my first inclination. While still trying to corral my heart into trusting God’s plan, we will be starting some of the routine testing to determine if something is wrong in the next couple of weeks. The plan is to do a series of tests for a cycle and then hopefully move toward a treatment plan. So, as fair warning, I will probably be talking more about my thoughts on entering the land of infertility treatments in the future... of course I should have probably put that warning a little earlier in the post. :)

... the end of summer

Tomorrow is the first day of school and with that I'm declaring it the end of summer. So it is free to not be 109 deg. anymore.

On Friday students were moving into Baylor's dorms. Mobs of people in brilliant green shirts cheering each car that pulled up. Later that day, I went to Walmart (for the novelty of the experience... yes, really). I think half of the incoming freshmen and their parents were there. Parents pushing carts stuffed with water bottles, paper towels, and ramen noodles. The cheap TV stand aisle was packed and the plastic storage things area was terrifying. I remember the first trip to Meijers after getting to Calvin. It was a little more memorable since we went to the ... less than stellar Meijers... I think the dog food was on the same aisle as the bread. We did find the cleaner and more logically organized store and bought our fair share of plastic stuff. :) It was fun but it was pretty awesome to know that I'm done with going back to school.

Daniel on the other hand is going back to school. We went through the check-list.
First day's clothes clean and ready
Binders
(Red) Pens
Lunch box. So we don't have a real lunch box for him. But we have a lot of boxes out in the garage. One of those should do, right?

... a deep breath

We made it and things are starting to calm down. Looking back, this summer was a fantastic whirlwind. I can’t really believe we did all that we did in such a short time.

The drive down was long, 45 hours of driving type of long. We had fun tagging along like the annoying little brother to the big rigs. “Ohhh, where are you going for lunch? Can I come too?” “How do you get gas?” “Can I park with you?” Compared to our little Toyota, we were miles up in the air and alarmingly large. Daniel did a fantastic job driving even in the midst of miles and miles of construction zones. Narrow Lanes signs had never been such a big deal until this trip. The worst was in the middle of Wyoming when our side of the interstate was down to just one lane for miles. First the cones were just on our side of the dotted line, then they were in a few inches from the line, then they were a foot into our lane, and the only people/equipment we saw for the entire construction zone was one pickup with guys moving the cones still further into our lane. Thanks guys, we really like the rumble strip. It’s loads of fuuuUUUnnnNNNNnnnn. (that’s rumble strip voice if you didn’t catch it).

But we made it... just in time to head back for Megan and Greg’s wedding. The wedding was fantastic. Megan looked so elegant and quite stunning. It was beautiful to see how much they both have grown and love each other and Jesus. I couldn’t be happier for them. I also got to have a little time with my mom and dad while Daniel went hiking with his dad and Justin.

We flew back from the wedding into Austin and drove past UT’s campus. I think we found our spot to go if we start missing Seattle too much. There were several Thai restaurants and strange street art. People dressed differently. There were ads for Priuses (Priui??). If only it wasn’t blazing sunlight and about 110 (seriously), we would have been right at home.

AND THEN, Meg and Bryan came up to see us! You know those friendships where you see each other again and find out that you really are still perfect friends for each other. Yeah, I got me some of those. Daniel and I had wanted to explore town a little bit more and it was great fun to do it with them. We went to the biggest park in town, which has cliffs looking over the river, lots of trees and mountain biking trails, shady spots down by the river, a Frisbee golf course, and Miss Nellie’s Pretty Place. There was a sign, that’s how we knew it was Miss Nellie’s Pretty Place. We agreed. It was pretty. Thanks Miss Nellie. Somehow I don’t think that name would have flown in Seattle. From there we went along the river to the First Suspension Bridge West of the ... or maybe it was South of the... anyway, we went to an old bridge. We then went to Baylor’s campus and I finally saw more of campus than just Daniel’s office. We saw the Baylor Bears. They were hot but seemed to enjoy their pool. And then we decimated Meg and Bryan at board and card games. Sorry guys. They took us to our first ever Texas BBQ. It was a new experience to say the least. As we walked into the restaurant, there was a sign saying there was a concealed handgun class being held there next week. It was a slow night so when we walked in two employees were by a piano, the little old lady playing and the college aged guy boogieing. He jumped up and ran behind the counter where he fixed Meg and I some “something something Texas ‘Taters”. This baked potato was enormous! The butter glob was about 2/3 the size of my fist and then he put 3 healthy handfuls of cheese on top and covered it with meat and bbq sauce and then told us, “y’all make sure y’all aren’t sharin’ none with them boys!” Throughout the dinner we learned many things vital to blend in with the natives… and a few things that the natives do that are just plain wacky. All in all, we had a fantastic time and we can’t wait to see them again.

And so, now we are here and it is starting to sink in that we are staying. Sometimes, especially at church, I miss Seattle and Mars Hill immensely. We were so blessed there. But we have been blessed here: our house is cute and starting to feel home-like. It amazes me how much space we have here. Hobbes enjoys his prowls in the back yard, although it is hot enough he asks to come back in fairly quickly. We are going to go by the humane society tonight to just look at the puppies*.

*This line was responsible for us getting Shasta, although there was a “but mom” at the start that time around.

In other news, today breaks the record for most days of 100 plus temperatures in a row (the streak started in June) and if we keep it up next week we will crush the most 100 plus days in a year record too. Isn’t that exciting?? Please excuse me while I find an AC vent to lay on and a large quantity of frozen things to eat.

All in all, we are settling here. We are a little nervous but excited for classes to start and to see what life will really be like here. I’m still looking and trying to decide what sounds like a good job for me. I have a couple of leads on tutoring opportunities, so we’ll see what happens. I got a Texas gardening book today and depending on how our "just looking" goes today, I might find myself busy training a puppy. :)

... passing through

Just a quick update:

The time with my mom, gramma, and aunt Linda was great. We had a lot of fun on our various "adventures" (having started the trip finding a definition of an "adventure" as something that contains an odd mishap). We had several odd mishaps that made us laugh all the more, including my mom walking into a taxidermied elk. I also got to see Yellowstone again, the first time since I was 5 and my only memory of the trip was wishing I could get a teddy bear at the Old Faithful gift shop. Yep. Real significant stuff there. This time I actually remember seeing Old Faithful, and the falls, and the wild flowers, and the grizzly, and the wild flowers, and the baby buffalo, and the wild flowers. In typical fashion I took 415 pictures of the week and am in 5 of them. I did really enjoy playing with my camera so it's all good. :)

Daniel got his last signature and turned in this thesis so he is officially Dr. Daniel Bolton now.

The packing is almost done. I went to the store and pilfered 7 boxes this morning thinking it was excessive and they are almost all full now. The "I'll just pack that at the last minute" pile is larger than I expected.

Tomorrow we get to enjoy and celebrate the friendships we have made in Seattle, from hanging out with my kiddos at church to a bbq with our community group and other Seattle friends. (As a side note, pray that Julie, who is hosting the bbq, doesn't go into labor in the next 24 hours. I would love to meet Jon but it could make things complicated).

Monday we pick up the truck and load it and Tuesday we take off. A week from today we will be in our new home!! We haven't figured out internet for there yet so it might be a little while before I post.

I'm excited and feel amazingly blessed.

... Roller Coaster months

Couple of major updates that shouldn’t be totally ignored:

Daniel had his defense and passed!

We went on an awesome camp/backpack trip out to the coast on the Olympic Peninsula in celebration and it worked out perfectly.

Daniel just needs one final person on his committee (the less than friendly guy) to sign off on his dissertation and he is completely done.

Last week it felt like every day was another “ka-thunk” as we ratcheted our way to the top of a roller coaster that will last the entire month (and spill over a little on both ends).  I even had all the feelings of starting a roller coaster: the anticipation, trepidation, and a little of the knot in the stomach.  I am convinced that this will be fun, aren’t I??

Wednesday morning was the pause at the top, a moment of normalcy before the plunge.  I went for one last time to babysit/help out with the family I have been with for a year.  I folded laundry and managed minor squabbles and then I said goodbye, and then we headed for the airport less than 3 hours later.  We came down to Waco to find a house and for my first sighting of the place we will be calling home.  We flew into Dallas and found that it was hotter at midnight than Seattle has gotten all year.  We also found that the guy at the car rental counter was nicer than all of Seattle put together.  He told us stories about his kids.  Seattlites need to know you for months before admitting they had kids.  We made it to Waco and started looking around at houses the next morning.  Waco, as a city, is a little of kilter, literally.  Check out a map.  Do we pick one set of roads as our “north” or do we always have to say NW, SE, etc.? The jury is still out from the residents that we talked to.

We saw some interesting houses.  One had a railing separating off 1/4 of the living room. No step, nothing, just a railing.  One had pineapple wallpaper in the kitchen.  One had bright pink tile in the bathroom.  And one was fantastic.  It is a beautiful home with a nice kitchen and the most amazing backyard with place for a garden already set aside.  The back yard has huge old trees and slopes down toward a creek bed (but being 103 at the time, I’m only guessing that water occasionally passes by on occasion).  We are really excited and a little awed at the fact that we will be moving from a 1 br apartment in Seattle to a 3 br place in Waco with only a $150/mo increase in rent.  I have no idea what we will do with ourselves and with our rather limited furniture in a place like that.

One loop-de-loop on the trip was that a girl who had just got her license and has a car with bad brakes T-boned our rental car.  Everyone is fine.  Her clunker might not be any prettier and the rental’s passenger door was dented in exactly the right place for it to not open anymore.  But we spent 4+ hours dealing with that stuff. (btw. You should make sure that the credit card used to make the reservation is the one you present at the pick-up counter.  It will save you a LOT of grief.)  Thankfully, we got the call that we got the house 5 minutes before the accident so we really did have an afternoon to kill.

We are back now, briefly.  I will be leaving on Tuesday to go on a girl’s adventure in/around Yellowstone with my mom, aunt, and grandma.  We are staying in a rustic cabin for a while and then ending the trip with a day at a hot springs and spa.  It should be great.  I’ll be back on the 14th.  Meanwhile, Daniel is going to a conference and will be getting back the 16th.  We load the truck and will be leaving Seattle on the 19th.  An epic road trip will follow and we will start to unpack and then fly back to CO for Megan and Greg’s WEDDING!!

And every once in a while, I just might throw my hands up in the air and scream.

... the ironies of life

Daniel is super-duper close to being done with his Ph.D (he defends on Tuesday) and has given his reading committee his thesis.  One member of his reading committee is a less than encouraging guy who looks down on the particular flavor of theoretical nuclear physics Daniel did for most of his thesis.  Last night the less than encouraging professor's home was broken into and a bunch of stuff was stolen... including his copy of Daniel's thesis. (Not a big deal on our side, Daniel emailed him a new copy and now the only danger is the professor will have bad associations with Daniel's thesis).  But the come-back lines we wish we could have included were quite fun.  Mostly, they were variations on the: "See, someone thinks my work is valuable!" theme.

Or, from Daniel (as roughly remembered by me...)
I'm glad that now they (the crooks) will understand that the single-body approximation is insufficient for their calculations.

So, somewhere out there is a thief with a vastly improved understanding of theoretical nuclear physics.

... being Seattle tour guides

Daniel's family came out to visit and celebrate the light at the end of the Ph.D. tunnel.  While they were here, we did Seattle with gusto.  We ate fish n'chips; we saw Snoqualmie Falls; we kayaked among the lily pads by the arboretum; we went to the Market, Gas Works, the troll, the locks, Discovery Park, and Mars Hill.  It was Greg's first time in Seattle and we might have gone a little over the top but we had a lot of fun in the process.  Dad (Ron) is avid birder and he got to add a bird to his "life bird list" and we got to mercilessly mock him in the process.  It was like watching a hunting dog.  He was looking around interestedly and then suddenly froze, his whole attention fixed on one spot as he quivered with excitement. Since one of the functions of a dad is to embarrass their children, Dad did this performance in the middle of trying to buy cherries from a roadside stand.  He eventually returned to awareness of other things in the world besides the wonderful bird and returned to the car ready to share his triumph.  His parade persisted despite a heavy rain in the form of "Daaaaad, it's just a bird"from the backseat.  We almost managed to leave the cherry stand when he decided a picture was necessary.  While he was trying to get the perfect picture, an unsuspecting guy came for cherries too.  The wonders of the bird were then recounted, if not to a more sympathetic audience at least to a less complaining one.  It should be noted, according to Megan, that the guy did walk quickly back to his own car and pealed out trying to leave.  :)

This weekend I was reminding of all of the reasons I love being in Seattle.  We really do have the best parks ever.  68 degrees feels wonderfully nice and warm when paired with sunshine.  We can drive through the mountains and kayak on the lake in the same day.  And we can laugh about the fact that there are only 2 months a year that you really want to be outside enjoying it.

The culture of Seattle is also just so unique.  Where else could you go to a park for a barbeque and find fully armored knights engaging in sword fights have taken over the shelter. No joke.  The culture of  Mars Hill Church is also very unique.  I have never been somewhere where openness, honesty, and an avoidance of being fake was valued this much.  I have grown so much as I have submitted to greater accountability and have been inspired by people who share what God is doing in the midst of their mess.  I am really inclined to be "moral" and to guard that appearance.  I want to be put together, know the right answers (think Hermione) , and hide the fact that I am terrified you would see something in me and be disappointed.  (One of the reasons I am writing this blog is to try to pull aside the mask I keep putting on.)  Community is so important and we have been blessed beyond measure with our community group.  Through conversations this weekend I realized that one of the things that I appreciate most (although not always at the time) is the questions about what is going on behind the sin.  What lie am I believing to think my mask is the best choice for me? What truths of Jesus shatter the lie and how do I move my heart towards loving Jesus and the truth more than the lie?  When the gospel meets the city of indie-rockers and unabashed medieval knights, real honest discussions result.

This weekend also reminded me that it is real.  We are leaving and something different is just around the corner.

... Justin and Kaylee's wedding! ... and Vegas.

Congratulations Justin and Kaylee!
The wedding was in Las Vegas (Justin and Kaylee's home) and it was hot! I don't think we have even been properly warmed through in Seattle.  It was a little shocking to the system but ohh it felt good.

You know what else felt good?  Family.  I really lucked out with this new family I got.  We hung out by the pool and laughed.  We played games and shared stories.  We officially added another girl to the tribe. :)  Kaylee is an amazing girl.  She is so cute, artsy, and drop dead gorgeous in her dress.  The wedding was a great snapshot of who she is and her relationship with Justin.  The wedding was outside (to enjoy the warmth and the perfect sunset) and small enough that everyone felt included and connected.  There were friends, family, a lot of laughter, and a few tears.  They don't like to admit it, but the Bolton men can get a little choked up.

It was a lovely weekend and I am so happy for Justin and Kaylee.  I am also glad that we aren't the ones living in Las Vegas.

In a strange way, in a I'm-very-glad-it-was-short way, Vegas does put marriage into perspective.  I trust Daniel with my whole heart and am thankful for the man that he is, but I don't appreciate him for all that he is worth, in general.  We get comfortable.  We get predicable.  We have unconscious battles over blankets and sheets.  We complain about being robbed of all warmth in the middle of the night.  While in Vegas, we didn't battle over sheets and blankets (unless it was about getting too many on each other in the night).  Instead, there were overt attempts to draw my husbands eyes and heart away.  Just trying to make it to the day-after brunch, there was a barrage of ads and fliers featuring girls whose lives have been destroyed and who were being used to destroy other's marriages and lives.  Satan's schemes are so much more obvious there.  Do you think about the fact that someone is actively trying to steal away the heart of your spouse? that Satan and his followers would love nothing more than to ensnare his heart?  The fact that my man is such a good man would make Satan's victory all the sweeter.

This shook me.  I never, ever, want to open the door to that chance.  Daniel is too precious and good to risk losing.  He can't be replaced.  The wound if he was ripped away would be too big.  So, I want to love well.  Honestly, quite often, laziness and selfishness seem appealing, but not at this cost, not if it exposes My Love to danger.

And so, thanks to Las Vegas, a new marriage has been made and this (2-year) old one is treasured all the more.

... owning a cat

I have been seriously procrastinating on grading this week. Something about knowing that I only had 18 exams to grade rather than the 320 of Biochemistry 440 from the fall increased my laziness. I mean, I graded 320 exams in one sitting (admittedly with a significant reduction of brain function and general life skills by the end of it), so 18 exams should basically grade themselves without any effort on my part. Sigh. I am returning them tomorrow, so I finally got myself to grade them tonight. Pathetic.

My efforts to avoid a (relatively) trivial task reached fairly epic proportions this weekend. Thankfully, I have had a cat to keep me entertained. Coming from a family that held being "dog people" with even more loyalty than we were "Toyota people," a cat is a strange creature. Hobbes is exhibit #1 that my mood swings aren't that bad. I don't really know what sparks the transition from the snugly kitty to the lion that looks with great distain on us lower life forms. Until owning a cat, I had never received such regular doses of distain. I try to affirm my own worth to the cat. "I am a person. I am bigger than you. I have a job. I have a Master's degree! I can buy things (like your food, you ungrateful beast)." This crescendo of self-defense is met with a blink or a yawn. And if I'm extra lucky, a sarcastic little meow. Maybe Hobbes has a point. I did just go through this conversation out loud while (otherwise) alone in my apartment... maybe talking to myself isn't the way to convince my cat he should respect me.

I also don't get how after hours of sitting contentedly on the couch while I am moving around, one of the times I walk back in the room is greeted with a startled meow and flight to the nearest box. By the way, apparently, boxes are the grand-daddy of all bases in cat-world. My mere presence could have been unnerving a moment ago, but now he is a BOX-CAT and box-cats are very brave and fierce. Box-cats dare you to try sneaking up on them again. Box-cats resolutely believe the best defense is a good offense against all strings (and hands) in the general area. Box-cats don't always keep claws pulled in while "defending." And. Box-cats aren't hampered by trivial things like not fitting inside said box.

By the way, when I finally got myself to grade the exams, Hobbes got jealous of all the attention those boring papers were getting and thought he was a much more deserving object of my devotion. With an adorable little purr/meow he laid down on my answer key and tried to bat my red pen off the table. I guess I can be a "cat person" too.

... Reunions

Sometimes I feel lonely this quarter. Sometimes I miss dear friends from before. And sometimes God blows my mind. This morning was a mind-blowing type of experience. I just got to see Julie Richards! Yeah. Be jealous. I got her within a couple hours of landing state-side. And I got to see her after riding the bus there with another Barnabas friend, Kelli.

Aren't friendships a wonderful thing? How crazy and cool is it that in the midst of billions of people on this world, the sight of one (or two from today) person can make you so happy. I morn and miss friends that have been scattered but that makes the reunions so much more sweet. I love that God makes paths cross again. Like a job opening in Texas. Like a lay-over between China and Chicago. Like a wedding. Like heaven. I can't wait to spend that time rejoicing in the best reunion of all time.

... nature

Whether or not Seattle knows it, it is spring. In celebration, we went out waterfall hunting on Saturday :)

I laughed more than I have in a while.

One of the other times we went waterfall hunting was on our honeymoon (a highly successful trip, 16+ in one day!). It was fun reminiscing about our honeymoon and the adventures we had.

We also remembered family vacations from growing up... for example:

When I was in 5th grade, we went to San Diego and specifically, to Sea World. At this time I loved dolphins with a passion. The highlight of the trip, for me, was that I was going to feed a dolphin and pet it. At this time, I was going to be a marine biologist and this day was going to be the best ever!! My parents lovingly forked over however much they charged for a little thing of fish to feed their dolphins (which is an awesome money making scheme, by the way... they make you pay to do their job. Genius!) and I got the honor of being the first one of the family to offer a dolphin a fish. I held out my little fish coaxingly and was ATTACKED by a sea gull. The sea gull swooped in to steal my dolphin's fish! But, in my effort to coax the dolphin close enough to pet, I moved my hand and the sea gull latched onto my finger. I dropped the fish and started crying and bleeding. I couldn't pet the dolphins, I had to go to the first aid station and get a band-aid. As I sat there as Sea World filled out an incident report my parents tried to reassure me that "at least the dolphin caught the fish" that I dropped. And thus it was that I came home from vacation with a sea gull beak shaped scab on my hand and a little less passion to be a marine biologist.

Daniel, on the other hand, remembered that he went to California and saw a cool car.

... Easter!

Happy Easter!

The Mars Hill Church's Easter Celebration was amazing. ~17,500 people came and 682 people were baptized! woot! woot! I have never seen Pastor Mark so excited or yell so loudly. It was also fun to spot Pastors James and Erik baptizing people and Caitlin dancing for joy with each person.

We also got to be a part of Zack's first ever Seattle Metro Bus ride on the way down there. :) Our community group is so precious and I'm going to miss these friends so much. But, as Sara said today, we do get to party for eternity together so we can't be too sad. :)

To cap it all off, I got to take a nap and we're making homemade pizza this evening.

... disappointment

This past week, I had thought we were finally going to be pregnant and was disappointed. Really disappointed. Many tears type of disappointment. According to my default settings, disappointment leads to depression and depression makes me more disappointed in myself, which feels all the more depressing and disappointing. Thankfully, God stepped in via Daniel, my mom, and a friend (all in 1 day!) and told me to escape the cycle

My challenge for myself today is to remember disappointments that God has brought me through and gather confidence that He can handle this one.

• We wanted God to give us a job in Seattle but He clearly chose Waco for us. And then He let us see a couple of ways that the Baylor job could fit Daniel really well, just because He's nice like that.
• I didn't want the Lake City Campus of Mars Hill Church to close but have grown more and been more excited about who God is and what He can do since being at the U-District
• I didn't get in to the more prestigious grad program at UW and it would have been higher stress and I wouldn't have been in Rachel's lab, set up for the gift of a job I had this year.
• I didn't want to give up my academic pursuits until I realized how much more I enjoy teaching and kids.
• I was disappointed my dear Meg moved to Texas and now I'm so excited to have her there. I'm moving to a city that I have never even visited and I have a best of the best friend in driving distance.
• I was disappointed that I broke up with my high school boyfriend and we have been married for over 2 years now!
• I was disappointed in myself and my life in my senior year of high school and God saved my life, stopping me from committing suicide, and is still freeing me from my self-imposed legalism.
• And on this weekend, I can't imagine the disappointment that Jesus' friends faced on Good Friday. All of their hopes and trust in who Jesus was must have been crushed as they saw Him be crushed.

If God can turn that disappointment into the greatest victory of all time... I don't know about you, but I'm feeling more hopeful that He can handle my disappointments.