... puppy training and ups and downs

So, a lot has been going on in the past month. Some of it has been really great, fun things and some of it has been stuff that I would honestly rather play Minesweeper than think about. By the way, I think the lack of Minesweeper is one of the greatest weaknesses of Macs.

To begin with the good:

We finally got a puppy! I have always been a dog person (sorry Hobbes) and so having my very own slobber factory is bliss. We got my Daisy-girl from the humane society because her smile is just impossible to resist. She is a three month-old yellow lab/weimeroner mix. She is super smart but did just enter the “terrible twos” of puppyhood... she thinks it is pretty fun to be told NO! for digging up my 5 lone green blades of grass in the back yard. But despite the fights over which of us really is the boss of this joint, nothing can beat a snugly puppy. She also makes me laugh a lot. In the past week, I’m pretty sure she tried to offer her squeaky ball in exchange for a skillet of sausage I had just browned. :)

One of the things that I didn’t expect in getting a dog is that I would have to examine the way that I see myself. Suddenly I had a being in my house who was actively rebelling against me (Hobbes generally looks with distain upon all that I do, but I’ve gotten used to that). I needed some advice and Daniel graciously brought home the Baylor Library collection of dog training manuals (all two of them). And so it began. Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) emphasizes that you must give off “calm, assertive” (I’m the top dog here) type vibes to keep the dog in check. The crazy thing is: it worked. When I was walking Daisy and obsessing about things that were going wrong or out of my control, Daisy would be pulling but if I took a deep breath and stood up a little taller, the pulling when down dramatically. A month into having her, I have found that it isn’t a perfect solution but it makes a big difference.

So, now I have 30-45 minutes each day where I am supposed to be thinking thoughts that instill/encourage confidence and I don’t really want to go down the rather lame “I have confidence in confidence” route (no offense Maria, but I was hoping for something more substantial). Although imperfectly, I have been trying to focus on the promises that God has spoken about me. One that has been especially meaningful is: "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7. I might hide it, but I am an extremely fearful person. So often I see myself as a victim, powerless and unable to shape the circumstances around me. I feel helpless even when faced with my own emotions and depression. But somehow, on those walks that I am most focused, I find that I can shift my mindset and emotional state. I was shocked. You might not be but it was a big deal for me. I work really hard to control circumstances because I don’t think I can control my emotions. Strangely enough, it turns out that God didn’t lie... maybe I can have a spirit of love and self-control rather than continual fears.

But, my fearful little self is rather scared of the responsibilities of self-control and minesweeper sounds like a really good alternative.

In other news, the one-year mark has come and gone and we are still not pregnant. I had never imagined that this would be the path God asked me to walk.  I thought I had already done the hard part.  I sacrificed the dream of getting my biochemistry doctorate as He changed my heart and made me want to become a mom. I took the fact that the desire came from his hand as a promise that fulfillment was just around the corner. Instead, this year has been a struggle with many half hopes and disappointments. In the process, I have become extremely grateful for amazing women who have walked this road before me. I long to have their faith and contentment but bitterness is so much easier for me. In my saner moments, I remember God’s grace in making this harder than I expected. For instance, according to my master plan from a year ago, I would be having our baby in the next month, but I hadn’t really understood what the first year as a lecturer would be like for Daniel and I don’t think I would have made it through the move here severely pregnant. So, God is good even in disappointments. But I am best when I can rationalize it. The months when it seems to make sense to me and yet God just asks me to trust His “no”, those are hard. I wish my heart would fully embrace what my mind begrudgingly acknowledges is probably true: that God is after my heart and His denials of my desires are the swiftest and best way to bring Him glory. Oh God! Please teach my heart to long for You because that is not my first inclination. While still trying to corral my heart into trusting God’s plan, we will be starting some of the routine testing to determine if something is wrong in the next couple of weeks. The plan is to do a series of tests for a cycle and then hopefully move toward a treatment plan. So, as fair warning, I will probably be talking more about my thoughts on entering the land of infertility treatments in the future... of course I should have probably put that warning a little earlier in the post. :)