... Thy will be done

My God, My Father while I stray
Far from my home in life’s rough way,
Oh! teach me from my heart to say,
“Thy will be done!”

Though dark my path, and sad my lot,
Let me “be still,” and murmur not,
Or breathe the prayer divinely taught,
“Thy will be done!”

If Thou shouldst call me to resign
What most I prize, it ne’er was mine;
I only yield Thee what was Thine;
“Thy will be done!”

If but my fainting heart be blest
With Thy sweet Spirit for its guest,
My God! to Thee I leave the rest--
“Thy will be done!”

Renew my will from day to day,
Blend it with Thine, and take away
All now that makes it hard to say,
“Thy will be done!”

Then when on earth I breathe no more
The prayer oft mixed with tears before,
I’ll sing upon a happier shore,
“Thy will be done!”

~Charlotte Elliott

I liked this hymn when King's Kaleidoscope began playing it last year at Mar's Hill U-District, but as each month passed and we were still not pregnant, I kept loving it more.  The vast, vast majority of the time, I sing it wishing that I really felt what I was saying.  I long for it to be true... but God is gracious and I had a moment this past Sunday that I could actually pray this prayer.  Pastor Booker at Acts Church was talking about giving our hopes and dreams over to Jesus rather than trying to stuff Jesus into our dreams.  He also emphasized that when we are where God wants us to be and surrender our dreams, Jesus will open up new dreams for us.  Although it is true for all pregnancies, I have become increasingly aware that our pregnancy will only come through Jesus' hand.  So, until He wills otherwise, I will be in a season of infertility.  I might be here reluctantly, but I am where God wants me and on Sunday I got a glimpse of a dream He has for me in this place.  There is an online community of women going through this too: women who desperately need hope and love from Jesus. I joined the group mainly to get answers about various tests I would be going through (i.e. They are going to do WHAT?? and How much will that hurt??) but God has given me a heart for them.  And so, with only minor revolts from my heart, I am able to say: "Thy will be done!"  There are a group of women going through deep pain who need someone who shares their pain to speak into their lives.  Please, join me in praying for those who have had to walk this road and don't (yet) have any hope in a good God.  

The update on me: I have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test tomorrow morning, getting to the hospital at 7:30 AM.  The test is basically an X-ray to see if there is any blockage in my tubes/uterus that has stopped us from getting pregnant.  I feel pretty confident this one should come back normal (and thankfully, according to the discussion boards, it shouldn't actually hurt as much as I envisioned).  Later in the month, we will do more blood work to see if I'm producing enough of the right hormones at the right times (the most likely culprit).  But I will know more once tomorrow is done and I get a chance to check in with my Dr.