... The most beautiful bean in the world!!

Our appointment yesterday afternoon went perfect!  All our questions were answered and in the end we got to see this:

Our very own little bean (nicknamed Roo)!! Roo is leaning up against his/her yolk sack (the circle: it'll turn into the placenta in the next few weeks).  The midwife liked the view that gave us a due date of 9/9/2012 the best.  So, sometime in early/mid-September, our house will get a lot noisier. :)

God has been so incredibly good to us!  When we decided not to pursue starting the infertility treatment in November, both Daniel and I felt like we wanted to give God a chance to move, if He so desired.  We told our Bible study group here about our struggles trying to get pregnant.  They gathered around us, laid hands on Daniel and I, and prayed for God to give us a baby, in a way that would give Him glory.  My body didn't seem like it was miraculously healed... things went just the same as they had been going each of these past failed cycles.  I was disappointed but still felt confident that God was going to do something... just maybe next month.  Daniel couldn't be dissuaded though.  In the end, I guess, he was right. :)

Little Roo really is a miracle: a gift from God!  And we are over-the-moon excited!

One note: we are asking you to not mention this on either of our Facebook walls for a couple of reasons: First, we are still in the first trimester and have the associated increased risk of miscarriage for the next 5 weeks.  Second, I have at least one Facebook friend, that I know about, who is facing infertility.  I don't want to flaunt what God has graciously given to us in the face of people who are heartbroken that God has withheld it from them.  So, please, leave comments here or send me an email or private message on Facebook.  Thank you!

... oh yeah, I had a blog

Hi again,
So, if you feel like I must have forgotten all about my blog, you are probably right.  In December, I alternated between gearing up for Christmas and needing to remind myself that Christmas was still really happening even if I was still wearing shorts.  Daniel also got to go through his first finals week on "this side" and it was rough.  Writing and grading that many tests just takes a long time.  But students (and their parents) griping about why he didn't give them a better grade took it to a whole new level.  Just as an FYI for all the students out there, telling your physics lecturer that you "NEED a better grade, because your GPA is too low to get into the sorority you want" is not as effective as you might think.  All in all, we were thankful to leave Waco behind for a little while and head up to Colorful Colorado.

We had a fabulous time at home.  It snowed, it was sunny, the mountains were dazzling, and it was home.  Daisy had the time of her life bounding through snow and playing with our parents, grandparents, and friends' dogs.

From Colorado, we went to northern New Mexico and stayed in a cabin that one of Daniel's colleagues  offered for our anniversary.  It was a little more of an adventure getting there than anticipated (thanks to 9" of fresh powder covering the road and disguising most of the landmarks we were supposed to use).  Once we got there, and unfroze the pipes, it was the perfect retreat.

We headed back to Waco and have been getting back into the swing of Daniel's teaching and my tutoring.

Update on my job front: last weekend was the training weekend for The Princeton Review's general chemistry instructors.  For the training, we were assigned various passages we would have to teach to a real class and present them to the fellow trainees, all while getting evaluated on our teaching style.  It turns out, I'm not a college student anymore and staying up past 10 PM is a feat only to be attempted under extenuating circumstances.  Thankfully, I passed the training (even if I felt a bit sleep deprived) and have been recommended for certification.  Now the only problem is: actually teaching for them.  I just found out that they intended for me to teach from 7-9:30 PM on Friday nights this semester. Um, No Thank You.  I do know that my situation is unique and a huge blessing, but this job is mainly for my own entertainment while Daniel is at work.  I'm not giving up our date night (and any of my precious sleep-time) for a hobby/job.  So, for now, I am an unemployed employee.

Brief update on our journey toward parenthood: in November, we decided we would reevaluate things in January... Since it is January already(!), we have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow afternoon to talk everything over.  I will post an update either tomorrow afternoon or Friday with the results of that conversation.  Just FYI, I probably will no longer post links on Facebook when I update the blog.  If you want to be in on this journey, I would love to have you, but I'm not going to "advertise" what we are going through quite as much. (With that said, I promise to update this bad boy a little more regularly than once every 2 months.)

I hope you had a very Merry Christmas and your New Year is off to a good start. :)

... a Thankful recap

I have loved reading my friends (/your) Facebook posts, as they have been posting what they are thankful for this month.  For some reason, I didn't really join in.  Ok, there were several reasons.  Among them: I stalk other people on Facebook.  I don't like being stalked as much.  It is entertaining to know superficial details about people and hard for me to be real.  And sometimes my grump-a-licious self doesn't want to be thankful.  I would rather complain. Thank-you-very-much.  Humph.  Since that isn't really a justifiable reason to withhold thankfulness, I'm trying to catch up some here:

I am thankful that Waco does not look like I expected when Daniel signed the contract with Baylor.  I had only been through west Texas a couple of times and figured the whole state was one giant tumbleweed that smelled like an oil refinery.  I love our little wooded corner of Waco with its big trees and hills!

I am thankful that I get to have a puppy.  Daisy brings so many funny moments to my day (like this morning when she realized that she could see me through the office windows and couldn't figure out how to get up there to me).  She also gives me a taste of what having kids will be like.  For example, I am not really grossed out by fishing slobbery bits of destroyed toy out of her mouth any more. (I have had lots of practice at that one).  Right now a slobbery squeaky ball is being rolled up and down my leg as an open invitation to play fetch.

I am thankful that I get days of sunshine in November living here.  Sorry Seattle, but I don't miss 45 and raining every single day for 3 months straight.

I am thankful for Acts Christian Fellowship.  I know God has big stuff in store for us at this church and people have been over the top welcoming to us there.

I am thankful for how much better I feel being gluten-free and how many products are now available.

I am thankful for orange-glazed sweet potatoes.  Seriously, these are among the most amazing food items of all time.  Some (i.e. Daniel) might say that I hid them and single-handedly finished off the leftovers. :) http://allrecipes.com/recipe/orange-sweet-potatoes-2/detail.aspx

I am thankful for true, deep, caring friendships.  They make life livable and are precious beyond words.

I am thankful for my family and their visit last week.  I know that not everyone gets to have family that laughs at inside jokes and enjoys being together.  I don't even want to imagine the heartbreak that that must be.  My family is such a blessing.  They are such a kind, helpful, and loving bunch! :)  They even put up with my less than hospitable animals who picked the week to get sick/generally make messes.  A certain amount of affection for the furry ones might have been lost, but my family was still gracious.

I am thankful I get to be married to Daniel.  I couldn't possibly have found a more patient, kind, hard-working guy.  It is uncanny how well he understands me and is able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.  He never gives up on me and gives the best hugs.

I am thankful that God is good and never lies.  My feelings might lie and Satan certainly lies, but my God does NOT.  I love this quote: "By demonic concoction, many of us have come be believe that our behavior and thought life reveals more about who and what we are than what the Bible says about who and what we are." - Ralph Harris, God's Astounding Opinion of You.

My God has called me righteous in Christ, so I don't need to earn/prove anything.  My God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power, and love, and self-control (2 Tim 1:7).  My God calls me loved, forgiven, and free.  He did not come to condemn me (or let me wallow in self-condemnation) but  to set me free (John 3:17).  I am so used to mentally adding asterisks to these promises... surely He doesn't mean me, right here, right now.  But God does not lie when He says this about me, nor does He lie when He says it about you.  And for that I am extremely thankful.

... break dancing 4th graders and waiting

The Bible says that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18) but I have found that it isn't necessarily good for a (this) girl to be alone in a house with a puppy and cat quite as much as I have been.  I did hear that I passed both the chemistry instructor exam and the interview, so it looks like I will be starting teaching for the Princeton Review in late January.  Until then, I needed to find something that gets me out of my house!  Daisy and I pass an elementary school on our daily w-a-l-k and I decided to stop by to see if they could come up with any ideas of how to fill some of my time.  The receptionist practically busted out the red crayons to draw a carpet to the principle's office to get me a volunteer application.  So, 3 days a week I spend 40 minutes each with two students.  My first is a 4th grade boy with a bit more energy and self-confidence than meshes easily with classroom discipline.  (aka at least half of the days I have met with him, I find him in detention).  We usually just work on whatever school work he decided he was "too cool" to do earlier in the day.  If I had to guess, I would be 99.99% sure this kid has ADHD.  He literally break dances (and he is good at it) while reading his assignments.  But as long as he is reading, I'm calling it a win.  And I don't always win.  After I drop him off, I get to go work with a precious 3rd grade girl who loves big big hair bows and can't figure out how to multiply.  The poor dear, she does well with some problems but every once in a while (on the same problem type she successfully completed 10 times in a row), she gives me the deer in headlights look and multiplication has become impossible again. :(  But she is just so cute, even when she is helplessly stuck.  After one day of decidedly not winning with my 4th grader, the secretary commented that my two are like sour patch candy: you have to make it through the sourness to get to the sweetness. :)  And even though he is a bit more sour, there is something charming about the 4th grader.  

Also, because I don't want to be home alone, I have decided to import some people to hang out with me next week... either that or Thanksgiving is really coming up soon.  (eek!)  I'm super excited to have my whole family here for nearly a week, starting this Saturday!  We are going to live large in Waco for 6 days... by which I mean that we will go to the Dr. Pepper museum, the zoo, and the bear habitat on Baylor's campus.  It will also be my first time hosting Thanksgiving, so that will be an adventure!  I'm looking forward to trying a tasty sweet potato recipe I found (orange glazed sweet potatoes - yum!)

The final update from me is that the Dr. said everything checked out and suggest trying clomid.  Unfortunately, one of the main side effects is some pretty crazy mood swings and I don't really want to make those sorts of holiday memories.  So, we are putting this off for now and will re-evaluate in January.

... I passed!

Just a brief update: I "passed" the HSG with flying colors.  I do enjoy passing tests. :)  Everything looked normal and it wasn't even all that painful.  I get to call the Dr. tomorrow to discuss the next steps.

... Thy will be done

My God, My Father while I stray
Far from my home in life’s rough way,
Oh! teach me from my heart to say,
“Thy will be done!”

Though dark my path, and sad my lot,
Let me “be still,” and murmur not,
Or breathe the prayer divinely taught,
“Thy will be done!”

If Thou shouldst call me to resign
What most I prize, it ne’er was mine;
I only yield Thee what was Thine;
“Thy will be done!”

If but my fainting heart be blest
With Thy sweet Spirit for its guest,
My God! to Thee I leave the rest--
“Thy will be done!”

Renew my will from day to day,
Blend it with Thine, and take away
All now that makes it hard to say,
“Thy will be done!”

Then when on earth I breathe no more
The prayer oft mixed with tears before,
I’ll sing upon a happier shore,
“Thy will be done!”

~Charlotte Elliott

I liked this hymn when King's Kaleidoscope began playing it last year at Mar's Hill U-District, but as each month passed and we were still not pregnant, I kept loving it more.  The vast, vast majority of the time, I sing it wishing that I really felt what I was saying.  I long for it to be true... but God is gracious and I had a moment this past Sunday that I could actually pray this prayer.  Pastor Booker at Acts Church was talking about giving our hopes and dreams over to Jesus rather than trying to stuff Jesus into our dreams.  He also emphasized that when we are where God wants us to be and surrender our dreams, Jesus will open up new dreams for us.  Although it is true for all pregnancies, I have become increasingly aware that our pregnancy will only come through Jesus' hand.  So, until He wills otherwise, I will be in a season of infertility.  I might be here reluctantly, but I am where God wants me and on Sunday I got a glimpse of a dream He has for me in this place.  There is an online community of women going through this too: women who desperately need hope and love from Jesus. I joined the group mainly to get answers about various tests I would be going through (i.e. They are going to do WHAT?? and How much will that hurt??) but God has given me a heart for them.  And so, with only minor revolts from my heart, I am able to say: "Thy will be done!"  There are a group of women going through deep pain who need someone who shares their pain to speak into their lives.  Please, join me in praying for those who have had to walk this road and don't (yet) have any hope in a good God.  

The update on me: I have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test tomorrow morning, getting to the hospital at 7:30 AM.  The test is basically an X-ray to see if there is any blockage in my tubes/uterus that has stopped us from getting pregnant.  I feel pretty confident this one should come back normal (and thankfully, according to the discussion boards, it shouldn't actually hurt as much as I envisioned).  Later in the month, we will do more blood work to see if I'm producing enough of the right hormones at the right times (the most likely culprit).  But I will know more once tomorrow is done and I get a chance to check in with my Dr.

... puppy training and ups and downs

So, a lot has been going on in the past month. Some of it has been really great, fun things and some of it has been stuff that I would honestly rather play Minesweeper than think about. By the way, I think the lack of Minesweeper is one of the greatest weaknesses of Macs.

To begin with the good:

We finally got a puppy! I have always been a dog person (sorry Hobbes) and so having my very own slobber factory is bliss. We got my Daisy-girl from the humane society because her smile is just impossible to resist. She is a three month-old yellow lab/weimeroner mix. She is super smart but did just enter the “terrible twos” of puppyhood... she thinks it is pretty fun to be told NO! for digging up my 5 lone green blades of grass in the back yard. But despite the fights over which of us really is the boss of this joint, nothing can beat a snugly puppy. She also makes me laugh a lot. In the past week, I’m pretty sure she tried to offer her squeaky ball in exchange for a skillet of sausage I had just browned. :)

One of the things that I didn’t expect in getting a dog is that I would have to examine the way that I see myself. Suddenly I had a being in my house who was actively rebelling against me (Hobbes generally looks with distain upon all that I do, but I’ve gotten used to that). I needed some advice and Daniel graciously brought home the Baylor Library collection of dog training manuals (all two of them). And so it began. Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) emphasizes that you must give off “calm, assertive” (I’m the top dog here) type vibes to keep the dog in check. The crazy thing is: it worked. When I was walking Daisy and obsessing about things that were going wrong or out of my control, Daisy would be pulling but if I took a deep breath and stood up a little taller, the pulling when down dramatically. A month into having her, I have found that it isn’t a perfect solution but it makes a big difference.

So, now I have 30-45 minutes each day where I am supposed to be thinking thoughts that instill/encourage confidence and I don’t really want to go down the rather lame “I have confidence in confidence” route (no offense Maria, but I was hoping for something more substantial). Although imperfectly, I have been trying to focus on the promises that God has spoken about me. One that has been especially meaningful is: "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7. I might hide it, but I am an extremely fearful person. So often I see myself as a victim, powerless and unable to shape the circumstances around me. I feel helpless even when faced with my own emotions and depression. But somehow, on those walks that I am most focused, I find that I can shift my mindset and emotional state. I was shocked. You might not be but it was a big deal for me. I work really hard to control circumstances because I don’t think I can control my emotions. Strangely enough, it turns out that God didn’t lie... maybe I can have a spirit of love and self-control rather than continual fears.

But, my fearful little self is rather scared of the responsibilities of self-control and minesweeper sounds like a really good alternative.

In other news, the one-year mark has come and gone and we are still not pregnant. I had never imagined that this would be the path God asked me to walk.  I thought I had already done the hard part.  I sacrificed the dream of getting my biochemistry doctorate as He changed my heart and made me want to become a mom. I took the fact that the desire came from his hand as a promise that fulfillment was just around the corner. Instead, this year has been a struggle with many half hopes and disappointments. In the process, I have become extremely grateful for amazing women who have walked this road before me. I long to have their faith and contentment but bitterness is so much easier for me. In my saner moments, I remember God’s grace in making this harder than I expected. For instance, according to my master plan from a year ago, I would be having our baby in the next month, but I hadn’t really understood what the first year as a lecturer would be like for Daniel and I don’t think I would have made it through the move here severely pregnant. So, God is good even in disappointments. But I am best when I can rationalize it. The months when it seems to make sense to me and yet God just asks me to trust His “no”, those are hard. I wish my heart would fully embrace what my mind begrudgingly acknowledges is probably true: that God is after my heart and His denials of my desires are the swiftest and best way to bring Him glory. Oh God! Please teach my heart to long for You because that is not my first inclination. While still trying to corral my heart into trusting God’s plan, we will be starting some of the routine testing to determine if something is wrong in the next couple of weeks. The plan is to do a series of tests for a cycle and then hopefully move toward a treatment plan. So, as fair warning, I will probably be talking more about my thoughts on entering the land of infertility treatments in the future... of course I should have probably put that warning a little earlier in the post. :)